Moth to a Flame

Feels like it was just yesterday when I would be magnetically drawn to a Starbucks store and just buy a mocha frappe without thinking twice, not even asking the basic question of whether I even needed a cuppa or will I have enough for dinner after forking out a good $6 to $7 for a shot. It was draining me financially and quite frankly, shows nothing but a lack of self-control and discipline. I was helplessly addicted to it, and it affected me physiologically (caffeine), psychologically (brand association), and emotionally (temporary feel-good). 

Friends around me knew of my 'problem' and of course you get mixed comments like how "it's ok to just drink up, it's just coffee, you know you need it etc." then you also get some advising with "hey, you may want to consider switching to something cheaper, not too good for health too to keep drinking this etc".

So I take it all in both the good and the bad, and the strangest thing was that I already knew that it wasn't good to keep doing this but I just couldn't stop, or rather I THOUGHT I couldn't stop this cursed habit. I remember how bad it was, I would be working out in the gym and thinking how I'm going to grab that frappe right after the workout, I mean afterall I did just burned X no. of calories, I deserved a cuppa, don't I? I would justify with something weak like that.  So the time came, I knew I had to do something. I started praying. Didn't the Lord say 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open?" Also, growing up there was this one bible verse that stuck to me and it was "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." Amen, I also had good friends who supported and encouraged me. 

After more than ten years of Starbucking, I'm finally freed from being a slave to the drink. I can walk past a Starbucks store without any cravings, desires, clingy thoughts to the cup. I switched to my weekly (not daily) McCafe coffee and if I'm out with my guy, I would order my teh xiudai from the foodcourt,Ya Kun, Toastbox or wherever I'm at, the point is, it doesn't have to be Starbucks. I don't shun it like the plague or something, I still drink Starbucks, and I love every drop of it still, the only difference now is that I am the one in control :) 

So yes, there is a point to my sharing. You reading this would have your own forms of addictions or issues (eg compulsive buying, anger, gossiping, gluttony, jealousy), here are some of my personal tips to help you overcome your sitch:

1. Acknowledge that you have a problem

No one needs to know. Chances are, they already do but they don't know how it really feels like to be you. You are the one walking in your own shoes so acknowledge that you have this problem and that you are going to overcome it. Just by acknowledging this, it's a great first step because it shows that you want to get out of this crappy vicious cycle-zone, and you will.

2. Small Steps

Nothing great happens overnight, it's all a built-up of small steps. I didn't go cold turkey with my Starbucks either, cos I would have failed miserably if I did that. It has to first be a conscious decision which you are committed to keeping. So whatever stage of addiction you are at now, make that conscious decision that you will make a slow but steady cutback. Eyes on the prize, baby! (Prize here refers to how you would like to see yourself at the end of this, eg better health, happier days, clearer conscious, bigger pockets now that you had successfully saved a few dollars!!)

3. Build a Good Support of Friends

Surround yourself with friends who build you up, friends who are truly happy for you when you make a progress towards your goal. Remember that they too have their own problems and addictions, so respect them the way they are, even if they are not as encouraging or 'inspiring' as you want them to be. Instead, you can be that person to them. Lead by example and let others see the change taking place in you.

4. Prayer

This list wouldn't be complete not at all, without prayer. Never underestimate the power of prayer, better still if your friends can pray for you too. The Lord made us and He knows our constant struggles with our weaknesses. We are no saints but He loves us all the same and He will help us overcome our struggles, but first your heart needs to be open to receive. Do not give up in life, there is always hope, hope in the Lord.

I know it's not easy, and I can tell you, you will fail the first few times, but this consciousness of wanting to change will bug you so bad and raise your awareness to new heights that you will want this for yourself. I mean afterall, you owe it to yourself and you worked hard for it, why throw it all away?

walk on the water! :)

Every once in a while, a song hits you at every angle that you simply know it's meant for you at this present moment of your life. At least that's how it is for me :) Being on leave this entire week is something I've always wanted but never had the chance to do so. After this week, I'll be moving into a new role in a new dept at a new cubi with new dept-mates to work with. Trying not to think about it only makes it worse cos then I think about it ALL THE TIME! lol. I trust the Lord will walk with me as I start the new chapter come Monday.

For now, this week has been blissful and blessed. Time is a gift from God, ya know and I am very thankful for this time right now in my life.

I finally had time to catch up on this movie called SOUL SURFER based on a true story of a 13yo girl's courage to live on after she lost an arm in a shark attack. One of those movies that really makes you feel like you can accomplish anything after watching it! :) A must-see for all! :)

You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too

"Walk On the Water" Performed By Britt Nicole

Melt the Frozen, Warm the Chill

Last Saturday I attended a talk conducted by Sr Elizabeth Sim on understanding your thoughts and emotions. I guess you could say I signed up for it as I really wanted to understand why and how our thoughts and emotions come about and how it affects us. It was a good talk, kept light and well-paced. One takeaway I had from the 3-hour long session was this:

Hurt-->Resentment-->Emotional Debt-->Triggers-->Inappropriate Action

Basically it's when you're hurt by something someone said, and you do not express it to the person who has hurt you, that emotion turns to resentment (whether you know it or not) and this resentment becomes anger not expressed. You then incur 'emotional debt'. This bank of emo debt grows over time each time you keep stuff bottled up or supressed. Soon enough, any incident, no matter or trivial or insignificant can trigger off an inappropriate action that doesn't quite match the situation. For example, a close friend could have lashed out at you without you realising what hit you. Knowing that it's very out-of-character for this friend to behave in this way, there must be a reason for her behaviour. Bottomline is, whatever that is bugging you, it's best to talk it out or to confront the situation.

This is very hard to do. Personally, I believe pride often get in the way of forgiveness and reconciliation between two people who had fallen out. However, I believe that with Christ's love, it is possible. Even if it means you have to do it seventy times seven times.

"Melt the Frozen, Warm the Chill" - My favourite liner from the Pentecost Sequence Prayer

I can't sleep tonight, I guess I've had a few things weighing on my mind recently. Some good, some not so good.

Here's a question: Why is it the people whom you love (and you know they love you too and yet) hurt you too easily? Due to recent events, it must have become apparent how I felt cos my mum came up to me to talk about it. I smiled and told her: don't worry mum, it's ok, I know he's like that, I'm not bothered. I guess you can say I am very bothered. I can only pray and ask God to take away the hurt caused unto me.

Count your blessings I always say. I'm counting them Lord, I'm counting them all. Oh one more thing Lord, please grant me patience, lots of it.

Love Conquors All

Today was a day when everything worked against us. If I had known better, I would have said that we ought to have really been on our spiritual guard against the evil one (disturbances) who so cleverly caused the laptop/projector/even the CD Player to not work, restlessness amongst the acting cast, and the quick poisoning of minds against one another. To top it off, my fever-flu had to come this weekend. I think it was just a miracle alone that I even made it to church this morning!

Of course, with our desperate prayers and trust in the Lord, He never fails us. Right at the last second, the projector worked, the CD player worked. Everything worked out in the end. Also, a kind gesture from a member who made me warm barley for my sore throat and packed sandwiches for everyone really did touch my hearts. She's already got her hands full with work, travelling up and down to visit her mum in the hospital, doing the Advent booklets and preparing for her own session next week, how in the world does she do it!

In case you're new to this concept, it's called love - when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. It's wonderful, you ought to try it some time. God bless her heart!

Praise God!

A First of its Kind

After almost 5 years of being together, the Children's Ministry (The Joyful Ark) finally, under the guidance of our Spritual Director Fr Bruno, had our first ministry retreat held at the Jesuit Spirituality Centre.

It started off wonderfully with breakfast and lots of good cheer from all and wonderful "Did you know...." stories from John!

We then made our way to the retreat house in 2 cars and settled in quickly. It was exciting for me cos it really felt like I was a young teen all over again at some confirmation camp! lol. We had meditation prayer in the garden where it was just peaceful and calm.

It was a simple retreat yet powerful in God's ways. Its hard sometimes for us to realise how much this was needed or its importance for us to bond in a Ministry and to pray together. I really had a great time and I pray that the Lord will continue to guide each one of us in this Ministry all set and ready for Advent and the new year 2011.

My Alpha Challenge

I almost didn't make it for the Alpha course tonight. The struggle (as forewarned by close friends) started this evening when I was torn between heading home after a long day at work and to church for my weekly "Catechism Class" aka the Alpha course.

You know, its true what they say: The closer you try to get to know God, the more you'll be faced with distractions, temptations and trials from the evil one. Of course, I knew this was going to happen, coming so close to giving in to temptation. Images of me relaxing at home, watching tv, surfing the net, catching a sweet nap etc started playing in my head. Now, on a Friday night after a long day at work, all that sounded pretty good.

1st Example: I was at the bus stop waiting for feeder bus A to go home when the feeder bus B (that goes to church) came by. Should I go? Should I not? go? no? go? no? I decided ok not, I'm going to wait for my feeder bus A, I think I'll go home. Within seconds after the first bus B left, a second bus B came. I was again thrown into the mode of should I or not with myself. Bus A came and I boarded it to go home. As the bus was moving along, I just closed my eyes and thought it through. Ok, I'm tired but I made a decision few weeks ago that I will go for this. I am committed to this. I will go home, change to comfortable clothes, have a quick snack then cab to church, more than enough time for all of that. And that I did :) I made it to the course that night. Praise God!

2nd Example: The date of the Holy Spirit full-day retreat was made known to us today and it falls right on the same day as the cousins gathering I was insanely looking forward to. Bummer.

What I learnt tonight: Sometimes the good stuff don't come easy or as and when you like it, but you just got to trust that something great is waiting for you and so no matter what, just have to push yourself inspite of how you "tired" or "lazy" you feel. I'm glad I did go in the end.

Jesus is knocking at your door of your heart and the handle's on the inside. Are you going to let Him in? I can only imagine the blessed and wonderful transformation of your life that awaits the moment you call on Him and open your heart to our dear Lord.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

9 months in the 'new' job

After 9 months at the 'new' job, I am already looking for another. For reasons such as poor job fit, zero job satisfaction and me dying a social death, I decided to tender my resignation.

This move actually brought about peace and no mixed feelings (as with the resignation of the prev job a year ago). Actually this whole experience made me realise that no amount of tangible perks (expensive meal treats, high-flying events, freebies, fantastic staff benefits etc) in a branded university can be compared to sheer job satisfaction and the other many intangibles that I've experienced before in a social service sector.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me now but I can only ask the Lord to continue to guide me in this journey. Sometimes I think He placed me in this 'new' job as a place for me to realise which industry/sector I belong to as well as a refuge place to restore my spirit and regain my strength. Well, the 'new' job has served me well and I hope I have done the same :)

"Lord, please guide me in this search for the job that you would want me to be in. I trust in You O Lord to place me in a role that can best make use of the gifts and talents that you have given me. I make this prayer through Jesus my Lord. Amen."