Moth to a Flame

Feels like it was just yesterday when I would be magnetically drawn to a Starbucks store and just buy a mocha frappe without thinking twice, not even asking the basic question of whether I even needed a cuppa or will I have enough for dinner after forking out a good $6 to $7 for a shot. It was draining me financially and quite frankly, shows nothing but a lack of self-control and discipline. I was helplessly addicted to it, and it affected me physiologically (caffeine), psychologically (brand association), and emotionally (temporary feel-good). 

Friends around me knew of my 'problem' and of course you get mixed comments like how "it's ok to just drink up, it's just coffee, you know you need it etc." then you also get some advising with "hey, you may want to consider switching to something cheaper, not too good for health too to keep drinking this etc".

So I take it all in both the good and the bad, and the strangest thing was that I already knew that it wasn't good to keep doing this but I just couldn't stop, or rather I THOUGHT I couldn't stop this cursed habit. I remember how bad it was, I would be working out in the gym and thinking how I'm going to grab that frappe right after the workout, I mean afterall I did just burned X no. of calories, I deserved a cuppa, don't I? I would justify with something weak like that.  So the time came, I knew I had to do something. I started praying. Didn't the Lord say 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open?" Also, growing up there was this one bible verse that stuck to me and it was "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." Amen, I also had good friends who supported and encouraged me. 

After more than ten years of Starbucking, I'm finally freed from being a slave to the drink. I can walk past a Starbucks store without any cravings, desires, clingy thoughts to the cup. I switched to my weekly (not daily) McCafe coffee and if I'm out with my guy, I would order my teh xiudai from the foodcourt,Ya Kun, Toastbox or wherever I'm at, the point is, it doesn't have to be Starbucks. I don't shun it like the plague or something, I still drink Starbucks, and I love every drop of it still, the only difference now is that I am the one in control :) 

So yes, there is a point to my sharing. You reading this would have your own forms of addictions or issues (eg compulsive buying, anger, gossiping, gluttony, jealousy), here are some of my personal tips to help you overcome your sitch:

1. Acknowledge that you have a problem

No one needs to know. Chances are, they already do but they don't know how it really feels like to be you. You are the one walking in your own shoes so acknowledge that you have this problem and that you are going to overcome it. Just by acknowledging this, it's a great first step because it shows that you want to get out of this crappy vicious cycle-zone, and you will.

2. Small Steps

Nothing great happens overnight, it's all a built-up of small steps. I didn't go cold turkey with my Starbucks either, cos I would have failed miserably if I did that. It has to first be a conscious decision which you are committed to keeping. So whatever stage of addiction you are at now, make that conscious decision that you will make a slow but steady cutback. Eyes on the prize, baby! (Prize here refers to how you would like to see yourself at the end of this, eg better health, happier days, clearer conscious, bigger pockets now that you had successfully saved a few dollars!!)

3. Build a Good Support of Friends

Surround yourself with friends who build you up, friends who are truly happy for you when you make a progress towards your goal. Remember that they too have their own problems and addictions, so respect them the way they are, even if they are not as encouraging or 'inspiring' as you want them to be. Instead, you can be that person to them. Lead by example and let others see the change taking place in you.

4. Prayer

This list wouldn't be complete not at all, without prayer. Never underestimate the power of prayer, better still if your friends can pray for you too. The Lord made us and He knows our constant struggles with our weaknesses. We are no saints but He loves us all the same and He will help us overcome our struggles, but first your heart needs to be open to receive. Do not give up in life, there is always hope, hope in the Lord.

I know it's not easy, and I can tell you, you will fail the first few times, but this consciousness of wanting to change will bug you so bad and raise your awareness to new heights that you will want this for yourself. I mean afterall, you owe it to yourself and you worked hard for it, why throw it all away?

All This Time

I felt love, I felt your grace

You stole my heart that day

You were walking with me,

♥ You've been walking with me all this time ♥

One Last Thing Before I Go...

The last week of 2011 was a mad crazy one for me. After all the feasting over the Christmas weekend, I was down with sore throat and flu. Then I realised I double-booked myself for dinner with two different friends on the same day, to which I had to postponed both as I wasn’t feeling well. I was also supposed to get some stuff for 70 children for the church party. Then, 3 days before a wedding, I was tasked to be the bridesmaid to which I was happy to agree to. But then, that left me with the big question of whatever shall I wear??

So on Wednesday after work, I made my way to get the dress but I had to make a pit-stop to collect a bag of presents from my cuz Bec (thank you becca!! Xoxo). So with the heavy big bag, I was thinking how in the world am I going to shop for a dress this way now?? Thankfully my sister was on the way to my place and collected it from me at one of the stations. And then I had only an hour or so to get the dress (and matching shoes :p) at Metro and praise God, I found THE one. After that I rushed back home before 930pm for a cut-cake surprise thingy we had for my aunt who had flown in that morning. Throughout the entire day, I could not breathe very well. I wasn’t sure if it was the medication or me just being overwhelmed. On top of it all, I was just plain tired and could not sleep that night, which meant only one thing and that was the following morning was going to be terrible. Thursday came and by the grace of God, I made it to work.

I thank the Lord for his kindness and graces shown unto me. I received some good news that morning at work and I was just overwhelmed with joy. It is beyond words to describe how I feel, just very thankful. The Lord knows our hearts desires, and He listens to us when we speak to Him.

In addition to the good news, I get to play Bridesmaid on the last day of 2011! How awesome is that? :) I can’t think of a better way on how I’d like to wrap up the year with. All praise and thanks to God my Saviour!

Happy New Year 2012, everyone! May your year be filled with His abundant blessings and that you will be inspired to do great things with the life He has given you.

Xoxo,
Pam

3 nights in Bangkok

Following my last entry, I would like to thank everyone for their prayers. When I posted that, I had a Bangkok trip due that week and all I could think of (or rather worry about) was the 'cleanliness' of my hotel room and that nothing will disturb us for the 3 nights that we were going to spend in BKK.

Praise the Lord! Our nights were free from any disturbances or cause for worry. The only problem was the very thin walls that led us to hear the neighbouring room guests slamming the doors at night. Yes, I'm quite sure it's not ghosts. :) hehe..

Thank you all for your prayers during this time, it is very much appreciated!

xoxo

Melt the Frozen, Warm the Chill

Last Saturday I attended a talk conducted by Sr Elizabeth Sim on understanding your thoughts and emotions. I guess you could say I signed up for it as I really wanted to understand why and how our thoughts and emotions come about and how it affects us. It was a good talk, kept light and well-paced. One takeaway I had from the 3-hour long session was this:

Hurt-->Resentment-->Emotional Debt-->Triggers-->Inappropriate Action

Basically it's when you're hurt by something someone said, and you do not express it to the person who has hurt you, that emotion turns to resentment (whether you know it or not) and this resentment becomes anger not expressed. You then incur 'emotional debt'. This bank of emo debt grows over time each time you keep stuff bottled up or supressed. Soon enough, any incident, no matter or trivial or insignificant can trigger off an inappropriate action that doesn't quite match the situation. For example, a close friend could have lashed out at you without you realising what hit you. Knowing that it's very out-of-character for this friend to behave in this way, there must be a reason for her behaviour. Bottomline is, whatever that is bugging you, it's best to talk it out or to confront the situation.

This is very hard to do. Personally, I believe pride often get in the way of forgiveness and reconciliation between two people who had fallen out. However, I believe that with Christ's love, it is possible. Even if it means you have to do it seventy times seven times.

"Melt the Frozen, Warm the Chill" - My favourite liner from the Pentecost Sequence Prayer

wisdom

I was reading (the Book of) Sirach today and I'm amazed at how relevant and close to heart it is to us even in today's context. Apart from the wise words on the need for reflection, self-control, the call to repentance and the majesty of God, he also touched on several topics like lying, loose talk, silence, speech and inappropriate speech, anger and vengence, hypocrisy, etc. Oh just so many things that we encounter on a day-to-day basis.

It's funny how some people's faces came to mind, including my own of course, as I read through some of his writings.

Well, one piece of wisdom to share with all of you :

"Do not revel in great luxury,
or you may become impoverished by its expense.
Do not become a beggar by feasting with borrowed money,
when you have nothing in your purse.
The one who does this will not become rich;
one who despises small things will fail little by little."
-Sirach 18:32 - 19:1

I Made my Choice!

I am finally signed up for Choice Weekend and will be attending it next weekend (28-30 Jan). I believe it's all in God's timing really. I was determined to attend it last year in Nov/Dec but I was just too swamped with Advent and Christmas preparations at church that I had to tell the organisers to push me to the next one. They got in touch with me last week and after pondering it over for 2 days, I said Yes.

Please pray for me during this time. Thank you and God bless you!

Afternote: I didn't attend it as I didn't feel quite prepared. I hope that I'd feel ready for the next one!

Love Conquors All

Today was a day when everything worked against us. If I had known better, I would have said that we ought to have really been on our spiritual guard against the evil one (disturbances) who so cleverly caused the laptop/projector/even the CD Player to not work, restlessness amongst the acting cast, and the quick poisoning of minds against one another. To top it off, my fever-flu had to come this weekend. I think it was just a miracle alone that I even made it to church this morning!

Of course, with our desperate prayers and trust in the Lord, He never fails us. Right at the last second, the projector worked, the CD player worked. Everything worked out in the end. Also, a kind gesture from a member who made me warm barley for my sore throat and packed sandwiches for everyone really did touch my hearts. She's already got her hands full with work, travelling up and down to visit her mum in the hospital, doing the Advent booklets and preparing for her own session next week, how in the world does she do it!

In case you're new to this concept, it's called love - when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. It's wonderful, you ought to try it some time. God bless her heart!

Praise God!

My Alpha Challenge

I almost didn't make it for the Alpha course tonight. The struggle (as forewarned by close friends) started this evening when I was torn between heading home after a long day at work and to church for my weekly "Catechism Class" aka the Alpha course.

You know, its true what they say: The closer you try to get to know God, the more you'll be faced with distractions, temptations and trials from the evil one. Of course, I knew this was going to happen, coming so close to giving in to temptation. Images of me relaxing at home, watching tv, surfing the net, catching a sweet nap etc started playing in my head. Now, on a Friday night after a long day at work, all that sounded pretty good.

1st Example: I was at the bus stop waiting for feeder bus A to go home when the feeder bus B (that goes to church) came by. Should I go? Should I not? go? no? go? no? I decided ok not, I'm going to wait for my feeder bus A, I think I'll go home. Within seconds after the first bus B left, a second bus B came. I was again thrown into the mode of should I or not with myself. Bus A came and I boarded it to go home. As the bus was moving along, I just closed my eyes and thought it through. Ok, I'm tired but I made a decision few weeks ago that I will go for this. I am committed to this. I will go home, change to comfortable clothes, have a quick snack then cab to church, more than enough time for all of that. And that I did :) I made it to the course that night. Praise God!

2nd Example: The date of the Holy Spirit full-day retreat was made known to us today and it falls right on the same day as the cousins gathering I was insanely looking forward to. Bummer.

What I learnt tonight: Sometimes the good stuff don't come easy or as and when you like it, but you just got to trust that something great is waiting for you and so no matter what, just have to push yourself inspite of how you "tired" or "lazy" you feel. I'm glad I did go in the end.

Jesus is knocking at your door of your heart and the handle's on the inside. Are you going to let Him in? I can only imagine the blessed and wonderful transformation of your life that awaits the moment you call on Him and open your heart to our dear Lord.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

The Good News

I went for an interview on Wednesday for a job I had wanted (back). After one year of being away from it all, I have gained new strength I never knew I had. With the Lord's outpouring of graces, I am now ready for what lies ahead of me. I know its not going to be easy but I will push through this, for all things are possible with God.

Well, guess what? I got the job and start in 2 weeks time :)

9 months in the 'new' job

After 9 months at the 'new' job, I am already looking for another. For reasons such as poor job fit, zero job satisfaction and me dying a social death, I decided to tender my resignation.

This move actually brought about peace and no mixed feelings (as with the resignation of the prev job a year ago). Actually this whole experience made me realise that no amount of tangible perks (expensive meal treats, high-flying events, freebies, fantastic staff benefits etc) in a branded university can be compared to sheer job satisfaction and the other many intangibles that I've experienced before in a social service sector.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me now but I can only ask the Lord to continue to guide me in this journey. Sometimes I think He placed me in this 'new' job as a place for me to realise which industry/sector I belong to as well as a refuge place to restore my spirit and regain my strength. Well, the 'new' job has served me well and I hope I have done the same :)

"Lord, please guide me in this search for the job that you would want me to be in. I trust in You O Lord to place me in a role that can best make use of the gifts and talents that you have given me. I make this prayer through Jesus my Lord. Amen."