Moth to a Flame

Feels like it was just yesterday when I would be magnetically drawn to a Starbucks store and just buy a mocha frappe without thinking twice, not even asking the basic question of whether I even needed a cuppa or will I have enough for dinner after forking out a good $6 to $7 for a shot. It was draining me financially and quite frankly, shows nothing but a lack of self-control and discipline. I was helplessly addicted to it, and it affected me physiologically (caffeine), psychologically (brand association), and emotionally (temporary feel-good). 

Friends around me knew of my 'problem' and of course you get mixed comments like how "it's ok to just drink up, it's just coffee, you know you need it etc." then you also get some advising with "hey, you may want to consider switching to something cheaper, not too good for health too to keep drinking this etc".

So I take it all in both the good and the bad, and the strangest thing was that I already knew that it wasn't good to keep doing this but I just couldn't stop, or rather I THOUGHT I couldn't stop this cursed habit. I remember how bad it was, I would be working out in the gym and thinking how I'm going to grab that frappe right after the workout, I mean afterall I did just burned X no. of calories, I deserved a cuppa, don't I? I would justify with something weak like that.  So the time came, I knew I had to do something. I started praying. Didn't the Lord say 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open?" Also, growing up there was this one bible verse that stuck to me and it was "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." Amen, I also had good friends who supported and encouraged me. 

After more than ten years of Starbucking, I'm finally freed from being a slave to the drink. I can walk past a Starbucks store without any cravings, desires, clingy thoughts to the cup. I switched to my weekly (not daily) McCafe coffee and if I'm out with my guy, I would order my teh xiudai from the foodcourt,Ya Kun, Toastbox or wherever I'm at, the point is, it doesn't have to be Starbucks. I don't shun it like the plague or something, I still drink Starbucks, and I love every drop of it still, the only difference now is that I am the one in control :) 

So yes, there is a point to my sharing. You reading this would have your own forms of addictions or issues (eg compulsive buying, anger, gossiping, gluttony, jealousy), here are some of my personal tips to help you overcome your sitch:

1. Acknowledge that you have a problem

No one needs to know. Chances are, they already do but they don't know how it really feels like to be you. You are the one walking in your own shoes so acknowledge that you have this problem and that you are going to overcome it. Just by acknowledging this, it's a great first step because it shows that you want to get out of this crappy vicious cycle-zone, and you will.

2. Small Steps

Nothing great happens overnight, it's all a built-up of small steps. I didn't go cold turkey with my Starbucks either, cos I would have failed miserably if I did that. It has to first be a conscious decision which you are committed to keeping. So whatever stage of addiction you are at now, make that conscious decision that you will make a slow but steady cutback. Eyes on the prize, baby! (Prize here refers to how you would like to see yourself at the end of this, eg better health, happier days, clearer conscious, bigger pockets now that you had successfully saved a few dollars!!)

3. Build a Good Support of Friends

Surround yourself with friends who build you up, friends who are truly happy for you when you make a progress towards your goal. Remember that they too have their own problems and addictions, so respect them the way they are, even if they are not as encouraging or 'inspiring' as you want them to be. Instead, you can be that person to them. Lead by example and let others see the change taking place in you.

4. Prayer

This list wouldn't be complete not at all, without prayer. Never underestimate the power of prayer, better still if your friends can pray for you too. The Lord made us and He knows our constant struggles with our weaknesses. We are no saints but He loves us all the same and He will help us overcome our struggles, but first your heart needs to be open to receive. Do not give up in life, there is always hope, hope in the Lord.

I know it's not easy, and I can tell you, you will fail the first few times, but this consciousness of wanting to change will bug you so bad and raise your awareness to new heights that you will want this for yourself. I mean afterall, you owe it to yourself and you worked hard for it, why throw it all away?

I can't sleep tonight, I guess I've had a few things weighing on my mind recently. Some good, some not so good.

Here's a question: Why is it the people whom you love (and you know they love you too and yet) hurt you too easily? Due to recent events, it must have become apparent how I felt cos my mum came up to me to talk about it. I smiled and told her: don't worry mum, it's ok, I know he's like that, I'm not bothered. I guess you can say I am very bothered. I can only pray and ask God to take away the hurt caused unto me.

Count your blessings I always say. I'm counting them Lord, I'm counting them all. Oh one more thing Lord, please grant me patience, lots of it.

Love Conquors All

Today was a day when everything worked against us. If I had known better, I would have said that we ought to have really been on our spiritual guard against the evil one (disturbances) who so cleverly caused the laptop/projector/even the CD Player to not work, restlessness amongst the acting cast, and the quick poisoning of minds against one another. To top it off, my fever-flu had to come this weekend. I think it was just a miracle alone that I even made it to church this morning!

Of course, with our desperate prayers and trust in the Lord, He never fails us. Right at the last second, the projector worked, the CD player worked. Everything worked out in the end. Also, a kind gesture from a member who made me warm barley for my sore throat and packed sandwiches for everyone really did touch my hearts. She's already got her hands full with work, travelling up and down to visit her mum in the hospital, doing the Advent booklets and preparing for her own session next week, how in the world does she do it!

In case you're new to this concept, it's called love - when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. It's wonderful, you ought to try it some time. God bless her heart!

Praise God!

Something strange happened last night

On Sunday we had our meeting in the auditorium at church basement, in the corner nearest to the collumbarium. We had a great time preparing for the Children's Day mass with the deco work and after that headed for drinks. It was all gooooood!

That night, I turned the lights off for bed and instantly I knew something wasn't quite right. Something or 'someone' was in my room and my heart was gripped with fear. I tried closing my eyes and praying hard but it was too scary that I had to quickly grapple in the dark for my glasses and turn the lights back on. I held my rosary tight and opened the bible to Psalm 91. I read it out and prayed for the Lord's protection and for him to please please cover me with his precious blood. After that, just like that, the fear disappeared. Of course being the coward that I am (still, hehe), I tried sleeping with the lights on, but it was just annoying. So I turned it off and drifted soundly into la la land.

PRAISE THE LORD! :)

p.s: Always refer to Psalm 91 when faced with danger or fear of any kind. This prayer was taught to me by my father during a difficult moment in my life, many years ago. The Lord has never failed me. He is always there for us, keep trusting in Him!

9 months in the 'new' job

After 9 months at the 'new' job, I am already looking for another. For reasons such as poor job fit, zero job satisfaction and me dying a social death, I decided to tender my resignation.

This move actually brought about peace and no mixed feelings (as with the resignation of the prev job a year ago). Actually this whole experience made me realise that no amount of tangible perks (expensive meal treats, high-flying events, freebies, fantastic staff benefits etc) in a branded university can be compared to sheer job satisfaction and the other many intangibles that I've experienced before in a social service sector.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me now but I can only ask the Lord to continue to guide me in this journey. Sometimes I think He placed me in this 'new' job as a place for me to realise which industry/sector I belong to as well as a refuge place to restore my spirit and regain my strength. Well, the 'new' job has served me well and I hope I have done the same :)

"Lord, please guide me in this search for the job that you would want me to be in. I trust in You O Lord to place me in a role that can best make use of the gifts and talents that you have given me. I make this prayer through Jesus my Lord. Amen."