Moth to a Flame

Feels like it was just yesterday when I would be magnetically drawn to a Starbucks store and just buy a mocha frappe without thinking twice, not even asking the basic question of whether I even needed a cuppa or will I have enough for dinner after forking out a good $6 to $7 for a shot. It was draining me financially and quite frankly, shows nothing but a lack of self-control and discipline. I was helplessly addicted to it, and it affected me physiologically (caffeine), psychologically (brand association), and emotionally (temporary feel-good). 

Friends around me knew of my 'problem' and of course you get mixed comments like how "it's ok to just drink up, it's just coffee, you know you need it etc." then you also get some advising with "hey, you may want to consider switching to something cheaper, not too good for health too to keep drinking this etc".

So I take it all in both the good and the bad, and the strangest thing was that I already knew that it wasn't good to keep doing this but I just couldn't stop, or rather I THOUGHT I couldn't stop this cursed habit. I remember how bad it was, I would be working out in the gym and thinking how I'm going to grab that frappe right after the workout, I mean afterall I did just burned X no. of calories, I deserved a cuppa, don't I? I would justify with something weak like that.  So the time came, I knew I had to do something. I started praying. Didn't the Lord say 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be open?" Also, growing up there was this one bible verse that stuck to me and it was "I can do all things with Christ who strengthens me." Amen, I also had good friends who supported and encouraged me. 

After more than ten years of Starbucking, I'm finally freed from being a slave to the drink. I can walk past a Starbucks store without any cravings, desires, clingy thoughts to the cup. I switched to my weekly (not daily) McCafe coffee and if I'm out with my guy, I would order my teh xiudai from the foodcourt,Ya Kun, Toastbox or wherever I'm at, the point is, it doesn't have to be Starbucks. I don't shun it like the plague or something, I still drink Starbucks, and I love every drop of it still, the only difference now is that I am the one in control :) 

So yes, there is a point to my sharing. You reading this would have your own forms of addictions or issues (eg compulsive buying, anger, gossiping, gluttony, jealousy), here are some of my personal tips to help you overcome your sitch:

1. Acknowledge that you have a problem

No one needs to know. Chances are, they already do but they don't know how it really feels like to be you. You are the one walking in your own shoes so acknowledge that you have this problem and that you are going to overcome it. Just by acknowledging this, it's a great first step because it shows that you want to get out of this crappy vicious cycle-zone, and you will.

2. Small Steps

Nothing great happens overnight, it's all a built-up of small steps. I didn't go cold turkey with my Starbucks either, cos I would have failed miserably if I did that. It has to first be a conscious decision which you are committed to keeping. So whatever stage of addiction you are at now, make that conscious decision that you will make a slow but steady cutback. Eyes on the prize, baby! (Prize here refers to how you would like to see yourself at the end of this, eg better health, happier days, clearer conscious, bigger pockets now that you had successfully saved a few dollars!!)

3. Build a Good Support of Friends

Surround yourself with friends who build you up, friends who are truly happy for you when you make a progress towards your goal. Remember that they too have their own problems and addictions, so respect them the way they are, even if they are not as encouraging or 'inspiring' as you want them to be. Instead, you can be that person to them. Lead by example and let others see the change taking place in you.

4. Prayer

This list wouldn't be complete not at all, without prayer. Never underestimate the power of prayer, better still if your friends can pray for you too. The Lord made us and He knows our constant struggles with our weaknesses. We are no saints but He loves us all the same and He will help us overcome our struggles, but first your heart needs to be open to receive. Do not give up in life, there is always hope, hope in the Lord.

I know it's not easy, and I can tell you, you will fail the first few times, but this consciousness of wanting to change will bug you so bad and raise your awareness to new heights that you will want this for yourself. I mean afterall, you owe it to yourself and you worked hard for it, why throw it all away?

Thoughts for now.

2012 started on a good note. The 17 days that followed however felt a little far from it.

Work was hectic, enjoyable (tho' brief) dinner catch-ups with friends filled up most work nights, leaving me with the weekends for church, family ad getting ready for the new week. Amidst all the busy-ness, I just found myself wishing for things to just slow down. You know the saying 'Take the time to smell the roses.' I did not have time to spot the roses, let alone smell them.

So feeling like rather crappy, I headed to church for our first meeting of 2012. It was wonderful seeing each other again (since our last advent for kids session) and my heart was just uplifted as I quietly listened to everyone's heartfelt sharing on what we were thankful for in the Year 2011. Towards the end of the meeting, Peta asked us to choose a bookmark, each with a different picture and a bible verse. I selected this one as it reminded me much of the old fort on St Paul's Hill in Melaka and I love old buildings like these. And God's message to me came clearly to me as I read the verse printed on the bookmark:

May the Lord continue to guide us in our daily lives, send down his Holy Spirit upon us and give us the strength and energy to do His will here on earth.

I called and the Lord, He answered Me!

Praise the Lord! :) The Lord knows I've been thinking alot lately about the Ark's upcoming session for kids on Bartimaeus and He knows that I've been trying hard to look for a good fun song to sing! Today, He gave me 2 beautiful messages! One was taken from Facebook:

And you won't believe what the other message was... actually it was more like the answer to my prayers!! :)) Copy and Paste the link below, turn up your speakers! Have Fun ;)

freemusic.jesuslifetogether.com/Songs-of-Love-and-War/Bartimaeus'-Song (I have no idea why the link doesn't work when you click on it, hence you will need to copy and paste to enjoy this song!!)

Praise you Lord Jesus!! Amen!

Jesus, be with me.

Since my return from Phuket in June, I've had about a total of 5 encounters (to-date) of the third kind. I know the Lord is with me and I have nothing to fear but I do not understand why I'm starting to be highly sensitive to 'them'.

1. In Phuket, we stayed in a double-storey villa. I was upstairs with my 4yo niece playing cards on the bed when 'someone' fiddled with the doorknob, as if trying to enter the bedroom. This went on for a few seconds until I shouted,'Who's that?? Come in!" as the door wasn't locked. The minute I said to come in, the fiddling stopped and the door opened, only that no one came in. I got up to swing the door open and well no one was there. We then went downstairs and I knew it couldn't have been any of them as my 7yo nephew was engrossed watching cartoon in the hall with my folks, my sister and her hubby were preparing dinner. As I sat next to my dad, I asked him anyone had just gone up to open my door, as I asked him the light above us flickered. I don't know what to make out of it but I wasn't entirely freaked out until I came back to Singapore. It all sank in as to how could the door possibly open by itself especially after I had yelled to come in. (June 14, 2011, 7pm)

2. I attended my gym class on a Saturday evening and as after I hurriedly got dressed in the locker room, I made my way to the shower area to wash my hands at the sink. That was when I noticed a girl wrapped in a white towel, looking rather pale, with her hair wet and just sitting there at the bench staring into nothingness and looking rather lifeless. Our eyes met as I walked past her (to get to the sink) and I just managed a small smile acknowlegement then went about my business, not thinking back on her or anything about that. That night I slept at around 10plus as I was so flat out from the workout only to find myself awake at 3am and my thoughts went directly to the scene in the locker/shower room when it all became clear to me that OMG I think that girl wasn't a real human. It was as if it was all revealed to me at 3am (why Lord why??) that it was probably a spirit of someone who may have died there in that gym. Of course I tried to confirm this with my PT but as if they're going to tell us that yes someone did die there. (July 16, 2011, 3am)

3. I was fast asleep and awaken by a hideous laughter coming from across my block (where blocks 3 and 4, and the small hilly area). It was clear, it was continuous, it didn't sound human and I'm quite sure it wasn't an animal either. A friend asked me if I was dreaming it and I said no way because I remember feeling very annoyed at being woken up and so I said a short prayer before I fell back asleep. (July 27, 2011)

4. I was sleeping when I was disturbed by 'something' playfully tugging my blanket and nudging me awake. I kept falling back asleep after each time being awake as I was just plain tired. (July 31, 2011, around 5am)

5. Last night I had a nightmare, I've had nightmares before but the one last night was the first that really frightened me that I had to blog about. I dreamt that I was sleeping with my friend in the next bed and I told her not to look out the window (as I believed there was something there). The next thing I know, the 'thing', wrapped in a white blanket, crawled over me and started using its nails to scratch my arm (which I had used to block myself from it). I remember calling the name of Jesus. I cried, 'JESUS!' and a second time, 'JESUS' and it disappeared. And I woke up, said a prayer, grabbed my rosary and tried to fall back to sleep.

Please keep me in your prayers when you pray. I do know that the more you do the Lord's work or try your best to follow His ways, you are bound to face all sorts of stuff that will stop you or deter you from building his kingdom.

I trust in my Lord and in His goodness, and I believe that my Father in heaven will not abandon me.

I can't sleep tonight, I guess I've had a few things weighing on my mind recently. Some good, some not so good.

Here's a question: Why is it the people whom you love (and you know they love you too and yet) hurt you too easily? Due to recent events, it must have become apparent how I felt cos my mum came up to me to talk about it. I smiled and told her: don't worry mum, it's ok, I know he's like that, I'm not bothered. I guess you can say I am very bothered. I can only pray and ask God to take away the hurt caused unto me.

Count your blessings I always say. I'm counting them Lord, I'm counting them all. Oh one more thing Lord, please grant me patience, lots of it.

Love Conquors All

Today was a day when everything worked against us. If I had known better, I would have said that we ought to have really been on our spiritual guard against the evil one (disturbances) who so cleverly caused the laptop/projector/even the CD Player to not work, restlessness amongst the acting cast, and the quick poisoning of minds against one another. To top it off, my fever-flu had to come this weekend. I think it was just a miracle alone that I even made it to church this morning!

Of course, with our desperate prayers and trust in the Lord, He never fails us. Right at the last second, the projector worked, the CD player worked. Everything worked out in the end. Also, a kind gesture from a member who made me warm barley for my sore throat and packed sandwiches for everyone really did touch my hearts. She's already got her hands full with work, travelling up and down to visit her mum in the hospital, doing the Advent booklets and preparing for her own session next week, how in the world does she do it!

In case you're new to this concept, it's called love - when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about others. It's wonderful, you ought to try it some time. God bless her heart!

Praise God!

My Alpha Challenge

I almost didn't make it for the Alpha course tonight. The struggle (as forewarned by close friends) started this evening when I was torn between heading home after a long day at work and to church for my weekly "Catechism Class" aka the Alpha course.

You know, its true what they say: The closer you try to get to know God, the more you'll be faced with distractions, temptations and trials from the evil one. Of course, I knew this was going to happen, coming so close to giving in to temptation. Images of me relaxing at home, watching tv, surfing the net, catching a sweet nap etc started playing in my head. Now, on a Friday night after a long day at work, all that sounded pretty good.

1st Example: I was at the bus stop waiting for feeder bus A to go home when the feeder bus B (that goes to church) came by. Should I go? Should I not? go? no? go? no? I decided ok not, I'm going to wait for my feeder bus A, I think I'll go home. Within seconds after the first bus B left, a second bus B came. I was again thrown into the mode of should I or not with myself. Bus A came and I boarded it to go home. As the bus was moving along, I just closed my eyes and thought it through. Ok, I'm tired but I made a decision few weeks ago that I will go for this. I am committed to this. I will go home, change to comfortable clothes, have a quick snack then cab to church, more than enough time for all of that. And that I did :) I made it to the course that night. Praise God!

2nd Example: The date of the Holy Spirit full-day retreat was made known to us today and it falls right on the same day as the cousins gathering I was insanely looking forward to. Bummer.

What I learnt tonight: Sometimes the good stuff don't come easy or as and when you like it, but you just got to trust that something great is waiting for you and so no matter what, just have to push yourself inspite of how you "tired" or "lazy" you feel. I'm glad I did go in the end.

Jesus is knocking at your door of your heart and the handle's on the inside. Are you going to let Him in? I can only imagine the blessed and wonderful transformation of your life that awaits the moment you call on Him and open your heart to our dear Lord.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Something strange happened last night

On Sunday we had our meeting in the auditorium at church basement, in the corner nearest to the collumbarium. We had a great time preparing for the Children's Day mass with the deco work and after that headed for drinks. It was all gooooood!

That night, I turned the lights off for bed and instantly I knew something wasn't quite right. Something or 'someone' was in my room and my heart was gripped with fear. I tried closing my eyes and praying hard but it was too scary that I had to quickly grapple in the dark for my glasses and turn the lights back on. I held my rosary tight and opened the bible to Psalm 91. I read it out and prayed for the Lord's protection and for him to please please cover me with his precious blood. After that, just like that, the fear disappeared. Of course being the coward that I am (still, hehe), I tried sleeping with the lights on, but it was just annoying. So I turned it off and drifted soundly into la la land.

PRAISE THE LORD! :)

p.s: Always refer to Psalm 91 when faced with danger or fear of any kind. This prayer was taught to me by my father during a difficult moment in my life, many years ago. The Lord has never failed me. He is always there for us, keep trusting in Him!

9 months in the 'new' job

After 9 months at the 'new' job, I am already looking for another. For reasons such as poor job fit, zero job satisfaction and me dying a social death, I decided to tender my resignation.

This move actually brought about peace and no mixed feelings (as with the resignation of the prev job a year ago). Actually this whole experience made me realise that no amount of tangible perks (expensive meal treats, high-flying events, freebies, fantastic staff benefits etc) in a branded university can be compared to sheer job satisfaction and the other many intangibles that I've experienced before in a social service sector.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me now but I can only ask the Lord to continue to guide me in this journey. Sometimes I think He placed me in this 'new' job as a place for me to realise which industry/sector I belong to as well as a refuge place to restore my spirit and regain my strength. Well, the 'new' job has served me well and I hope I have done the same :)

"Lord, please guide me in this search for the job that you would want me to be in. I trust in You O Lord to place me in a role that can best make use of the gifts and talents that you have given me. I make this prayer through Jesus my Lord. Amen."